What’s the reason for me doing this? Well, if you go back four years, it was such a momentous event. It was as if my whole spiritual journey had culminated in that one moment. December 18th Southwark Crown Court 2018. My lifelong search for a place of comfort for my soul seemed to end on that day. Not just what happened, those five days in the court, but the 61 years leading up to that, and that got me to Oxford and the whole Oxford experience, studying theology and writing The Hustler's Tale. It seemed as if all my searching, seeking, constantly dealing with the feelings of shame and guilt, a lifelong battle with my desires, greed, and self-will, at last there seemed that there may be some relief.
I always talk about comfort for my soul and I've been seeking that all my life and in different places, 12 step fellowships, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, food, women, money, sex, car, houses, holidays, films, Netflix, looking to hide and seeking salvation desperately seeking some atonement for my life. Some of it worked some of the time, but nothing seemed up to that point to really provide that deep soulful healing that I sought.
The profound shame and guilt of the whole court case, the papers afterwards. The public exposure was painful, I was consumed.
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